Monday, May 5, 2014

Lately - a personal post


My closest confidante at college, my rock and regular advice-giver friend Natalie, inspired me to post something a little more personal on this blog (which I have been neglecting terribly).

Writing has always been my favourite outlet but I've never dared to publish what I've written. I didn't want to show my vulnerable side or any sign of weakness, and blog posts are far more intimate than just a couple of emotional tweets now and then. I hope to post more regularly about the goings-on in my life, but also stuff that's on my mind that requires a little more than 140 characters... I don't know if anyone will read this stuff but it helps me somehow, to put it out here on the interwebs.

I recently went through a really horrible break-up, the likes of which I have never experienced before. I won't go into too much detail, except to say I learnt some lessons about myself and relationships, which I will hopefully carry with me throughout my life. There were good times (some amazing ones actually) but ultimately we were not following the same path and had completely different dreams, goals and ambitions - as clichéd as that sounds.

The one regret I do have is airing my relationship on social media. I knew in my gut it was a bad idea in the beginning, because what if it bit me in the bum later on? Turns out it did and it has been incredibly hard to try to get better when there are reminders everywhere. But when you're head over heels in love with someone, you don't care. You want to show that person off. You want absolutely everyone to see how happy you are, the places you go, the people you see. And I think that's normal. It's just that when things don't end up as planned, it gets awkward. Because you've built up this "couple persona" - I don't know how else to word it.

I've seen it happen to other people and everyone just gets so involved in it. It's like entertainment for the rest of us. Maybe not for everyone. I know there are those who couldn't give a rat's ass, but I've felt like I've "known" these couples. You get to see all the parts of their lives, including the bad parts when they don't hold back on the nasty subtweeting.

It's so hard to accept that the person you imagined a life with is just not there anymore. You still expect that "good night" text and that message asking if you got home safely. The routine that you developed with that person is gone, and it takes some time to readjust to your new (single) life.

Sometimes I feel like I'll never feel whole again, like there's a part of me that really is missing. I see couples in the street holding hands, doing their thing, and I suddenly envy them. Then I give myself a pep talk and realise that I'd never really be content if I depended on another person for my happiness. I want to take this time to live my life the way I want to, and to just enjoy being on my own, doing my own thing. It sounds petty, but it's the truth.

I've been trying to constantly busy myself with things I enjoy, like my hobbies; reading and drawing, going out with friends, watching movies, etc. It may seem obvious but I know that when I'm feeling low I just want to hang out in my bed and sleep the day away. And that's the worst thing to do. Yeah, you've got to mourn and grieve in the beginning but that is one road you don't want to venture down for too long. Having these healthy distractions has really helped me to get out of my mind, which can be a very morbid place if I let it be.

One of the things that has been helping me get through this, are the personal stories that my friends and acquaintances have shared with me, about their own experiences and previous relationships. When you're all emo and fall into a dark pit of guilt and self-pity, you feel like you're the only one in the whole entire world going through this particular "trauma". It just takes chatting to a friend to put it all into perspective for you. You learn that it will get better. And during this time, I don't know what I would've done had it not been for the support of my family and friends.

Also, I know some people are completely averse to inspirational quotes and that sort of stuff (my pet peeve are Tumblr posts, you know the ones with rain drops on windows and some "artistic" quoted font) but to be perfectly honest, some of the stuff I've seen other people post has really helped me. I'm an optimistic person after all.

Every day is different. Some days I wake up all sprightly like it's going to be "civvies day" at school, and some days I dread the day like I have a looming Maths test and my insides feel all loose and gross. I just know I've just got to push through.

To quote one of the greatest songwriters of our age, Bob Dylan:

"The only thing I knew how to do
Was to keep on keeping on like a bird that flew
Tangled up in blue."














15 comments:

  1. Here for you in social media spirit. Although we've never met, I feel like you're an amazing person :) and you can do this ♡

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    1. Thank you my darling! You have been such a loyal and supportive online buddy. I hope we can meet in person some day. xxx

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  2. i'm so very sorry to hear about this, as you said you were one of the online couples i followed.
    i was very sad upon seeing your breakup on facebook, but it felt a little awkward sending you a message since i didn't know you as a couple.
    relationships are amazing and sometimes hard, i've also had some of this with my partner.
    (can't call him the boyfriend anymore it's 5 years and boyfriend sounds a bit stupid now)
    i can say though i used to think a future looked a certain way, it had a pretty house, with kids and a big diamond ring, then i met my soulmate and he doesn't see things the same way.
    i was in the position of either changing my views on life or a break up and loose the person who completes me.
    i had to change and look at myself and find what i wanted not what we are told we want by society and media.
    after some soul searching a horrible break, work on ourselves, we came back stronger than ever.
    i realized who i was and what i had and how lucky i was.
    a future with him was what i wanted, even if it's 1 year or 80, as long as he'll have me, is what i want.
    soulmates are 1 in 7 billion, and you will find yours, and when you do you will know.
    the only way soulmates and relationships work is when you are at your happiest with yourself and when you love yourself.
    take this time to really heal and find what you want, because you are so special, sweet and just an awesome person!
    and you don't just deserve any guy, you deserve the right guy the one who will make sacrifices for you and love all of you.
    that's my 50c and a bit of perspective from a different kind of couple.
    and all of our happy endings are different, the only thing that matters is being happy xx

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    1. Oh Janece...

      Your comment made me have a bit of a cry. This is probably the kindest and most encouraging advice someone has given me. I am so grateful that you took time to write this. It means more than you know.

      I think you are 100% right when you said, "The only way soulmates and relationships work is when you are at your happiest with yourself and when you love yourself." I need to do some soul-searching on my own before I can love another.

      Although I loved him so deeply and intensely (and actually, because of that) I made a lot of sacrifices for the relationship to work. In the end I realised that I wasn't fully "me" - the Emma that people know and love.

      I am glad that you have managed to work things through with your partner, that is wonderful to hear. I hope that someday I can also experience that love.

      xxx

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  3. Sending you lots of hugs Emma. I agree with Nuhaa, you can totally do this and trust me, it really, really does get a whooole lot better ♥

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    1. Thank you skat. I guess there's a reason they say that time heals. xxx

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  4. Sending you hugs and big kisses! I haven't been present on social media since baba was born and feel like I have missed out on so much with my friends and just in general with the world! I'm so sorry to hear of your breakup and wish u lots of happiness going forward. Yes it feels like your heart is breaking but God puts everything in our path for a reason and you WILL smile again. Stay strong beautiful!

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    1. Completely understandable!
      Thank you for your endless kind words and good vibes. I can't wait to watch baby Zahara grow up :)
      xxx

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  5. Hi Emma,

    I spoke to someone tonight that knows you and we just started talking about break-ups. She recommended that I read this post. After reading I just want to cry, 'cause I understand what you've just gone through, I am going through it now. And it is not easy. But thank you for sharing. I feel better knowing that someone else in the world has been where I am now and they have pulled through. I can feel your heart from your words

    I wish you well ;-)

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    1. Hi Thabang,

      Thank you for your message. This meant a lot to me. It made me realise again that there are people out there who have gone through and are going through the same motions I am. And it WILL get better.

      Who was the person you spoke to? Amazing how word of this post travelled - I honestly never expected it to turn out this way :) I am so grateful for everyone, people like you, who have shared their 2 cents with me.

      xxx

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  6. I just "met" you but from reading this entry I could relate very well. Thank you very much because by sharing this experience you let someone know they are not alone. Allow me to say thank you for the courage you've shown. Sending you hugs and kisses. I will say a prayer for you tonight. xxx

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    1. Hi Abigail,

      Thank you so much for your well wishes, that is so kind of you :) I'm glad we could help each other, as you have made me feel tons better just by sending this message.

      Big love!

      xxx

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  7. I only just read this. Strongs to you Emma. My same brain girl :) xxx

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    1. Thank you skat. Lots of love!

      xxx

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